Happy Birthday to Me!
Chillicothe gave me the perfect birthday present yesterday.
As I was driving through my beautiful city, I looked to my right and spotted a very respectable mullet. Upon further investigation, I realized that this mullet was riding a bike, which inspired me to write a song to the tune of "Lucy in the Sky". It went, "Mullet on a bike, with jean shorts."
Okay, it wasn't a great song, but it was a spontaneous song, and I thought it was pretty good.
The story gets better. I noticed mullet-guy was sitting between cars and a parking lot. I thought this was pretty funny to see a bicycle in a line of cars, so I wanted to see what they could be in line for on a Sunday evening. It was a drive-thru liquor store!!! Nothing could have made my day better than being in Chillicothe and seeing a man in a mullet and jean shorts waiting in a line of cars on his bicycle to go through a drive-thru. This of course made me question what the laws were concerning drinking and riding bicycles, open container, and drunk biking. Are there laws for these? I hope not! Not only could drinking and bike riding be very amusing for sober observers, it could also be a great way of removing undesirables from the human gene pool.
My birthday, although I consider it a great day, tends to be one of the more unfortunate days in human history. On August 24ths throughout history, Mount Vesuvius erupted and killed (rather gruesomely, one can imagine) most of the residents of Pompeii. A series of invasions began against Rome which ultimately resulted in the fall of the Empire. Many Jews were murdered in various pogroms throughout Europe and the Middle East. Protestants and Catholics massacred one another in France. Hurricane Andrew slammed into the Florida coastline. Two airliners crashed in Russia, and finally, Pluto lost its status as a planet.
Yes, historically, my birthday is not the greatest of days. Thank God for me! Now instead of focusing on all of these unpleasant events, the world can pause in admiration of me!
Other news from August 24th of 2008, courtesy of foxnews.com
1. A headline read, "Driver hits bear on way to get coffee." This headline can paint several amusing pictures in one's head. For example, with what did the driver hit the bear? His car? His fist? A golf club? Secondly, who exactly was on his way to get coffee? Evidently, the most amusing of all possible answers would be that the bear was headed to Starbucks (or maybe Caribou...hahaha) and a driver got out of his car and smacked the bear. However, since I read this in the morning, and I had not yet had my coffee, the first thought to cross my mind was, "I'd punch a bear if it got between me and my coffee too." I just realized that this headline encompasses my two favorite blog subjects.
As I continued to read the article, it turns out that the driver was on the way to get coffee and accidentally hit the bear with his SUV. Although not quite as amusing as a sleepy bear in a night cap on his way to get a cup of joe, this is still quite an amazing thing. According to the Alaskan driver, the grizzly bear came out of the forest at full speed, and he didn't even have time to hit the brakes.
The bear survived, but the SUV was very damaged. Amazingly, the man thought it would be a good idea to get out of his car although the bear was clearly very angry and very alive. The police (who arrived quickly at the scene) had to order the driver to get back in his car and not just stand near the angry bear. The bear was later killed.
2. The second headline of my birthday: "One-legged prostitute falls from chair and dies." Okay, I know this isn't funny, but it reminded me of the stories my parents told me of an infamous prostitute from Ironton, OH that they affectionately called "Step and a Half". Umm...let me say in my parents' defense that they didn't know "Step and a Half", just the stories. On a serious note, it's sad that she died (the prostitute from the news, not Step and a Half, whose current status is unknown, although I'm sure it would be sad if she died too).
I like to think that some day, my name will appear among these incredible events on Wikipedia's page for 24 August.
As I was driving through my beautiful city, I looked to my right and spotted a very respectable mullet. Upon further investigation, I realized that this mullet was riding a bike, which inspired me to write a song to the tune of "Lucy in the Sky". It went, "Mullet on a bike, with jean shorts."
Okay, it wasn't a great song, but it was a spontaneous song, and I thought it was pretty good.
The story gets better. I noticed mullet-guy was sitting between cars and a parking lot. I thought this was pretty funny to see a bicycle in a line of cars, so I wanted to see what they could be in line for on a Sunday evening. It was a drive-thru liquor store!!! Nothing could have made my day better than being in Chillicothe and seeing a man in a mullet and jean shorts waiting in a line of cars on his bicycle to go through a drive-thru. This of course made me question what the laws were concerning drinking and riding bicycles, open container, and drunk biking. Are there laws for these? I hope not! Not only could drinking and bike riding be very amusing for sober observers, it could also be a great way of removing undesirables from the human gene pool.
My birthday, although I consider it a great day, tends to be one of the more unfortunate days in human history. On August 24ths throughout history, Mount Vesuvius erupted and killed (rather gruesomely, one can imagine) most of the residents of Pompeii. A series of invasions began against Rome which ultimately resulted in the fall of the Empire. Many Jews were murdered in various pogroms throughout Europe and the Middle East. Protestants and Catholics massacred one another in France. Hurricane Andrew slammed into the Florida coastline. Two airliners crashed in Russia, and finally, Pluto lost its status as a planet.
Yes, historically, my birthday is not the greatest of days. Thank God for me! Now instead of focusing on all of these unpleasant events, the world can pause in admiration of me!
Other news from August 24th of 2008, courtesy of foxnews.com
1. A headline read, "Driver hits bear on way to get coffee." This headline can paint several amusing pictures in one's head. For example, with what did the driver hit the bear? His car? His fist? A golf club? Secondly, who exactly was on his way to get coffee? Evidently, the most amusing of all possible answers would be that the bear was headed to Starbucks (or maybe Caribou...hahaha) and a driver got out of his car and smacked the bear. However, since I read this in the morning, and I had not yet had my coffee, the first thought to cross my mind was, "I'd punch a bear if it got between me and my coffee too." I just realized that this headline encompasses my two favorite blog subjects.
As I continued to read the article, it turns out that the driver was on the way to get coffee and accidentally hit the bear with his SUV. Although not quite as amusing as a sleepy bear in a night cap on his way to get a cup of joe, this is still quite an amazing thing. According to the Alaskan driver, the grizzly bear came out of the forest at full speed, and he didn't even have time to hit the brakes.
The bear survived, but the SUV was very damaged. Amazingly, the man thought it would be a good idea to get out of his car although the bear was clearly very angry and very alive. The police (who arrived quickly at the scene) had to order the driver to get back in his car and not just stand near the angry bear. The bear was later killed.
2. The second headline of my birthday: "One-legged prostitute falls from chair and dies." Okay, I know this isn't funny, but it reminded me of the stories my parents told me of an infamous prostitute from Ironton, OH that they affectionately called "Step and a Half". Umm...let me say in my parents' defense that they didn't know "Step and a Half", just the stories. On a serious note, it's sad that she died (the prostitute from the news, not Step and a Half, whose current status is unknown, although I'm sure it would be sad if she died too).
I like to think that some day, my name will appear among these incredible events on Wikipedia's page for 24 August.
posted by Andy at 8:52 PM
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