It's hot out there
11:33 PM
I think the batteries to my remote control are broken, forcing me to either get off my butt and manually change the channels, or sit through 35 minutes of news on what appears to be a very boring day in Dayton. As it is 11:33 (whoops, 11:34 now), and the news started at 11, and I'm still watching it, I bet you can guess which option I chose.
When I went to work today, I noted to myself, "It's hot." This is not abnormal. It is August. August is a summer month here in the northern hemisphere, and summer tends to be hot. Foolishly, I went on about my day, not noticing how hot it was. Why was this foolish? Because it being hot was the top news item of the day. Although I didn't have my stopwatch out to scientifically test how much of the 11:00 news was devoted to talking about the heat, I'm going to conservatively estimate that 50-60% of the time was dedicated to heat or heat-related stories.
AAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
When did August being hot become such big news???
Why do I need telejournalists to tell me that it is indeed warm outside?
Did I really need Jamie Simpson to tell me to turn on my air conditioner?
Did I need him to tell me that for a grand total of 9 minutes (approx)?
This is Dayton!!! Surely someone got shot! Wars are raging! Terrorists are plotting! Bridges are falling! Why did the news spend 20 of 35 minutes talking about what it's like in the summer?! I have a vision of some awful Barney-like character teaching the seasons to little kids by singing catchy songs (Imagine to the tune of "Farmer in the Dell" - "In August it is hot. In August it is hot. Don't let your parents lock you in the car, because in August it is hot.") The difference is, even Barney is merciful enough to not spend 20 minutes on the month of August! I double-checked, by the way. What I was watching was, in fact, the news for adults.
If August being hot wasn't news enough, I also learned from the news that one good way to keep cool is to swim. So that's why people like to swim in the summer! I think I've finally figured out why I get frostbite in the winter. Water actually cools you down. So if I swim in the summer....hmmm. (Another Barney song to the tune of "Singing in the Rain" - "Swimming in July")
So, patient friends who read my blog in spite of long, long periods of bloglessness, let me give you some advice on how to deal with heat. (Note: If you are above the age of 3, and have an I.Q. above or equal to levels of certifiable retardation, you already know this).
1. Air conditioning. I admit that I'm too lazy to open my windows on a regular basis, so I've been doing the A.C. all summer long, even when it was pleasant and breezy outside. But for those of you industrious enough to open and close your windows, it is time to join the lazy side and just let the A.C. do all the work for you.
2. Swimming. Jamie Simpson was right. Just don't do anything stupid like swim in boiling water or sulfuric acid. This would not cool you down.
3. Don't lock your kids or loved ones in cars. People who do this never cease to amaze me. It does not take a single ounce of genius to realize that although everything is hot in the summer, cars are especially hot. (Barney Song #3; Tune - "Frere Jacques"; New lyrics - "Cars are hot. Cars are hot. Hot hot hot! Hot hot hot! Don't leave people in them. Don't leave people in them. No no no. No no no.") This also includes pets.
4. Don't stay out in the heat longer than you need to. Also, don't touch hot stoves; don't sit on pointy things; don't pet broken glass; don't stick your fingers in electrical sockets; wear shoes instead of strapping cats to your feet. Maybe I can sum this up by saying, if you're doing something unnecessarily that causes you pain or discomfort, maybe you should stop doing that.
5. Drink plenty of fluids. As a great wise man once told me, "If you're thirsty, you should drink water." (This was actually told me by someone, causing me to give an incredulous look for a record-setting 17 minutes).
Friends, if you have not noticed, please be warned that it's hot out there. It's hot! You should do things to make you less hot; because I'm not kidding, it's hot. You should not wear your winter clothes right now, because it's hot. You might sweat. That happens when it's hot. And it is hot. It's humid, too. That makes it feel more even hotter, and it's already hot to begin with. You shouldn't exercise vigorously outside for a while, because vigorous exercise will make you hot. And it's already really hot. Dangerously hot. Water will cool you down, and you should drink it, because you need to cool down when it's hot. And trust me, it is hot.
Wow, the news really got to me.
Stay cool, friends.
I think the batteries to my remote control are broken, forcing me to either get off my butt and manually change the channels, or sit through 35 minutes of news on what appears to be a very boring day in Dayton. As it is 11:33 (whoops, 11:34 now), and the news started at 11, and I'm still watching it, I bet you can guess which option I chose.
When I went to work today, I noted to myself, "It's hot." This is not abnormal. It is August. August is a summer month here in the northern hemisphere, and summer tends to be hot. Foolishly, I went on about my day, not noticing how hot it was. Why was this foolish? Because it being hot was the top news item of the day. Although I didn't have my stopwatch out to scientifically test how much of the 11:00 news was devoted to talking about the heat, I'm going to conservatively estimate that 50-60% of the time was dedicated to heat or heat-related stories.
AAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
When did August being hot become such big news???
Why do I need telejournalists to tell me that it is indeed warm outside?
Did I really need Jamie Simpson to tell me to turn on my air conditioner?
Did I need him to tell me that for a grand total of 9 minutes (approx)?
This is Dayton!!! Surely someone got shot! Wars are raging! Terrorists are plotting! Bridges are falling! Why did the news spend 20 of 35 minutes talking about what it's like in the summer?! I have a vision of some awful Barney-like character teaching the seasons to little kids by singing catchy songs (Imagine to the tune of "Farmer in the Dell" - "In August it is hot. In August it is hot. Don't let your parents lock you in the car, because in August it is hot.") The difference is, even Barney is merciful enough to not spend 20 minutes on the month of August! I double-checked, by the way. What I was watching was, in fact, the news for adults.
If August being hot wasn't news enough, I also learned from the news that one good way to keep cool is to swim. So that's why people like to swim in the summer! I think I've finally figured out why I get frostbite in the winter. Water actually cools you down. So if I swim in the summer....hmmm. (Another Barney song to the tune of "Singing in the Rain" - "Swimming in July")
So, patient friends who read my blog in spite of long, long periods of bloglessness, let me give you some advice on how to deal with heat. (Note: If you are above the age of 3, and have an I.Q. above or equal to levels of certifiable retardation, you already know this).
1. Air conditioning. I admit that I'm too lazy to open my windows on a regular basis, so I've been doing the A.C. all summer long, even when it was pleasant and breezy outside. But for those of you industrious enough to open and close your windows, it is time to join the lazy side and just let the A.C. do all the work for you.
2. Swimming. Jamie Simpson was right. Just don't do anything stupid like swim in boiling water or sulfuric acid. This would not cool you down.
3. Don't lock your kids or loved ones in cars. People who do this never cease to amaze me. It does not take a single ounce of genius to realize that although everything is hot in the summer, cars are especially hot. (Barney Song #3; Tune - "Frere Jacques"; New lyrics - "Cars are hot. Cars are hot. Hot hot hot! Hot hot hot! Don't leave people in them. Don't leave people in them. No no no. No no no.") This also includes pets.
4. Don't stay out in the heat longer than you need to. Also, don't touch hot stoves; don't sit on pointy things; don't pet broken glass; don't stick your fingers in electrical sockets; wear shoes instead of strapping cats to your feet. Maybe I can sum this up by saying, if you're doing something unnecessarily that causes you pain or discomfort, maybe you should stop doing that.
5. Drink plenty of fluids. As a great wise man once told me, "If you're thirsty, you should drink water." (This was actually told me by someone, causing me to give an incredulous look for a record-setting 17 minutes).
Friends, if you have not noticed, please be warned that it's hot out there. It's hot! You should do things to make you less hot; because I'm not kidding, it's hot. You should not wear your winter clothes right now, because it's hot. You might sweat. That happens when it's hot. And it is hot. It's humid, too. That makes it feel more even hotter, and it's already hot to begin with. You shouldn't exercise vigorously outside for a while, because vigorous exercise will make you hot. And it's already really hot. Dangerously hot. Water will cool you down, and you should drink it, because you need to cool down when it's hot. And trust me, it is hot.
Wow, the news really got to me.
Stay cool, friends.
posted by Andy at 11:33 PM
3 Comments:
Yes, you should drink water when it's hot, and you should go swimming when it's hot...but you should never EVER drink the pool water. It will make you sick.
In defense of Jamie Simpson (and other weathermen) it is their mundane job to say things like, "it's hot," and "it's cold." It's when all the other reporters start talking about heat like it's the results of some natural disaster that it gets to me.
Hmm, maybe this is why Brick Tamlan is a weatherman?
Another brilliant post! I laughed so hard I cried.
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