Tucking your t-shirt into your jean shorts is not dressing up.
I think the title of this post says everything I need to say.
Tonight was graduation at school. After struggling to get myself into my old, uncomfortable, made in Honduras suit, finding a parking space a mile from the auditorium, and walking in 90 degree heat, I have to admit that I would have liked to have worn shorts and flip flops. Why didn't I? I can't really say that I'm sure. I would like to think it's out of respect for the students that are graduating as well as for their families. Dressing up tells them that this is an important time and that it should be respected. Today is different from other days.
Alas, Southern Ohio is not the cultural center of the world. As soon as I got out of my car and joined the throngs of people cutting their way through the heat to get to the auditorium, I kind of felt like Armani at a flea market. First of all, I don't think I've seen a pair of jean shorts for 5 years - until tonight. Ohio State seems to be the team of choice, followed by Nascar, and then Hooters. Also, I saw enough mullets tonight, that laid end to end, I think they could circle the globe at the equator.
I am certainly not a fashion expert. I don't care too much about dressing stylishly, nor do I generally criticize people for not being in the latest style. However, I do want people to dress nicely for nice events. So here is my guide to appropriate graduation dressing for those with or without money.
Men:
1. No one wants to see your legs. Have you ever noticed that men in speedos rarely make the cover of any magazine? Furthermore, have you noticed that the rare man's leg that does end up on a cover doesn't even remotely resemble your leg? There is a very good reason for this. Your legs are gross. Please cover them.
2. While you're considering which pair of jeans to wear, ask yourself, "What if I don't wear jeans?" They make slacks in all different colors: brown, black, blue, khaki, white, gray, green, the possibilities are endless. Also, it makes you look like you didn't get dressed with your only goal for the day being mowing the lawn.
3. The shirt. One easy litmus test to perform when you're wondering if a shirt is dressy enough is this two-question process: 1. Does it have buttons? 2. Does it have sleeves? If you answered no to any of these questions, then it's not dressy. Watch out though, because just because it has buttons and sleeves does not necessarily mean it's appropriate, but it's a good start. You may be wondering, Can I replace the word "buttons" with "a zipper?" The answer is no. A shirt with a zipper instead of buttons is called the top of a sweat suit. Very appropriate for jogging. Inappropriate for what is thus far the most important day of your child's life.
One important thing to remember about this shirt with buttons, though, is that it loses its dressy effect when you fail to button it. You might think you look really cool by leaving your shirt unbuttoned down to your navel, but you really just look like a trashy pre-op transvestite (my apologies to my pre-op transvestite readership).
Another thing to be cautious of when choosing a shirt is patterns. You should probably avoid most patterns. Your grandmother may have said that the shirt with the birds and windmills looked sharp or handsome or pretty, but she grew up during the Depression. Take her life wisdom, but maybe take your fashion advice from anyone else.
4. Shoes. The same rule about men's legs applies to their feet and toes. I'm not saying that it is never appropriate to wear flip flops, but please don't go around thinking that they're dressy just because they're brown. I was thinking at graduation, wouldn't it be nice if someone invented something that looked nice to cover up feet that don't look nice, and then it hit me: Shoes! The concept is simple. Feet are ugly, shoes aren't. If you put shoes on your feet, no one sees your ugly feet, because there are not-ugly shoes covering them. These aesthetic devices also serve practical purposes, but I don't need to go into those.
Women - I have less to offer you, but here are a couple of rules.
1. Dressing Up and Slut Competition are not two sides of the same coin. Showing your breasts does not make you classy.
2. If your legs or armpits resemble a man's legs or armpits, please cover them.
3. The shirt and pant rule is still in effect, but you're in luck. You can wear skirts or dresses as well as slacks. It's hard for you to miss. Let me take time to clear up one shirt misconception though. Tweety Bird, Tinkerbell, and any other cartoon character printed on a t-shirt probably disqualifies that shirt from being dressy (unless you are coming in in a stroller).
Men and Women.
1. Smell good - seriously
2. Cut your mullet. Anything would look better. Anything! A big hat, baldness, partial baldness. The point is, there is nothing you can do to a mullet to make it classy. Any attempt to do so will only make it worse. Seriously, try to keep a straight face while thinking about a mullet with a bow in it. Or a mullet that has curls. Or a mullet that is dyed. Mullets represent the worst possible reality. The worst of all possible worlds.
This advice can be summarized by Dwight Schrute. "'Don't be an idiot,' the best advice I ever received. Any time I'm about to do something, I ask myself, 'would an idiot do that?' and if the answer is yes, I don't do it."
Tonight was graduation at school. After struggling to get myself into my old, uncomfortable, made in Honduras suit, finding a parking space a mile from the auditorium, and walking in 90 degree heat, I have to admit that I would have liked to have worn shorts and flip flops. Why didn't I? I can't really say that I'm sure. I would like to think it's out of respect for the students that are graduating as well as for their families. Dressing up tells them that this is an important time and that it should be respected. Today is different from other days.
Alas, Southern Ohio is not the cultural center of the world. As soon as I got out of my car and joined the throngs of people cutting their way through the heat to get to the auditorium, I kind of felt like Armani at a flea market. First of all, I don't think I've seen a pair of jean shorts for 5 years - until tonight. Ohio State seems to be the team of choice, followed by Nascar, and then Hooters. Also, I saw enough mullets tonight, that laid end to end, I think they could circle the globe at the equator.
I am certainly not a fashion expert. I don't care too much about dressing stylishly, nor do I generally criticize people for not being in the latest style. However, I do want people to dress nicely for nice events. So here is my guide to appropriate graduation dressing for those with or without money.
Men:
1. No one wants to see your legs. Have you ever noticed that men in speedos rarely make the cover of any magazine? Furthermore, have you noticed that the rare man's leg that does end up on a cover doesn't even remotely resemble your leg? There is a very good reason for this. Your legs are gross. Please cover them.
2. While you're considering which pair of jeans to wear, ask yourself, "What if I don't wear jeans?" They make slacks in all different colors: brown, black, blue, khaki, white, gray, green, the possibilities are endless. Also, it makes you look like you didn't get dressed with your only goal for the day being mowing the lawn.
3. The shirt. One easy litmus test to perform when you're wondering if a shirt is dressy enough is this two-question process: 1. Does it have buttons? 2. Does it have sleeves? If you answered no to any of these questions, then it's not dressy. Watch out though, because just because it has buttons and sleeves does not necessarily mean it's appropriate, but it's a good start. You may be wondering, Can I replace the word "buttons" with "a zipper?" The answer is no. A shirt with a zipper instead of buttons is called the top of a sweat suit. Very appropriate for jogging. Inappropriate for what is thus far the most important day of your child's life.
One important thing to remember about this shirt with buttons, though, is that it loses its dressy effect when you fail to button it. You might think you look really cool by leaving your shirt unbuttoned down to your navel, but you really just look like a trashy pre-op transvestite (my apologies to my pre-op transvestite readership).
Another thing to be cautious of when choosing a shirt is patterns. You should probably avoid most patterns. Your grandmother may have said that the shirt with the birds and windmills looked sharp or handsome or pretty, but she grew up during the Depression. Take her life wisdom, but maybe take your fashion advice from anyone else.
4. Shoes. The same rule about men's legs applies to their feet and toes. I'm not saying that it is never appropriate to wear flip flops, but please don't go around thinking that they're dressy just because they're brown. I was thinking at graduation, wouldn't it be nice if someone invented something that looked nice to cover up feet that don't look nice, and then it hit me: Shoes! The concept is simple. Feet are ugly, shoes aren't. If you put shoes on your feet, no one sees your ugly feet, because there are not-ugly shoes covering them. These aesthetic devices also serve practical purposes, but I don't need to go into those.
Women - I have less to offer you, but here are a couple of rules.
1. Dressing Up and Slut Competition are not two sides of the same coin. Showing your breasts does not make you classy.
2. If your legs or armpits resemble a man's legs or armpits, please cover them.
3. The shirt and pant rule is still in effect, but you're in luck. You can wear skirts or dresses as well as slacks. It's hard for you to miss. Let me take time to clear up one shirt misconception though. Tweety Bird, Tinkerbell, and any other cartoon character printed on a t-shirt probably disqualifies that shirt from being dressy (unless you are coming in in a stroller).
Men and Women.
1. Smell good - seriously
2. Cut your mullet. Anything would look better. Anything! A big hat, baldness, partial baldness. The point is, there is nothing you can do to a mullet to make it classy. Any attempt to do so will only make it worse. Seriously, try to keep a straight face while thinking about a mullet with a bow in it. Or a mullet that has curls. Or a mullet that is dyed. Mullets represent the worst possible reality. The worst of all possible worlds.
This advice can be summarized by Dwight Schrute. "'Don't be an idiot,' the best advice I ever received. Any time I'm about to do something, I ask myself, 'would an idiot do that?' and if the answer is yes, I don't do it."
posted by Andy at 8:45 PM
2 comments
