Losing Battles
Under a title like "Losing Battles," the concerned Christian has no clue what to expect.
"Is Andy about to disclose some secret of his most intimate life?"
"Has Andy become a historian to encourage others in the faith?"
"Has Andy dedicated his life to coming alongside (hiya Crusade) others?"
Nothing so noble or...awkward, I'm afraid.
Actually, the title refers to the current battle against fellow living beings that seem to have taken residence in my townhouse.
I have one real rule about my townhouse. If you're in my house, and I didn't invite you, and you don't pay rent, I will kill you. (watch out JW's)
That might not technically be a rule, but it works for me nonetheless.
Those of you who sometimes show up unexpectedly at my apartment may be relieved to know that humans are NOT the intended victims of my rule. It's typically animals, particularly of the insect family.
Before you judge me as discriminating against insects, let me assure you that I don't dislike them all. I actually have friends that are insects. Well, I have a friend that's an insect - had a friend that was an insect. But I didn't kill him (or her). At least I don't think I did. I mean, if it came in my house, and I saw it, I probably did. I do not however believe that to be the case.
This insect and I had an interesting relationship. I called it Mr. Spider (I admit, I sexistly assumed it was a male). He lived between my porchlight and my doorway. We had an understanding. He set up shop by my door, and he never came in my house. In return, not only did I not kill him, but I let him continue to have prime real estate by my entryway. He got fat, and I lived relatively bug-free.
Alas, Mr. Spider is no more. He is indeed dead. His web is but a memory, and his prey now wanders about my dining room. Upon returning past midnight from Nate's bachelor party several weeks ago, I noticed several bugs (mainly rolly-polys, but also a couple of gross worm-like looking things) by my dining room wall. Lacking any defensive weapons, poison spray, and any energy that would be necessary in a mass extermination, I turned to the only thing in my arsenal that might do the trick without damaging my carpet - Lemon Pledge. I dusted those suckers to next Tuesday (and my entire downstairs smelled lemon fresh for a week)! The next day, I vacuumed in between the floor and the wall to remove their citrus-scented, streak-free, polished carcasses.
The good news is that I haven't seen any of the gross worm-like things since Operation Johnson & Johnson. The bad news is, the rolly-polys appear to be quite resilient. Last night, upon returning from a weekend with my parents, I sent around a dozen to a watery grave via the guest bathroom. I went to bed rather content with myself. This morning I got up and was happy to find a bug-free dining room.
Sigh, rolly-polys are nocturnal. As soon as the sun set here on Grisham Lane, they were back, and I don't want to waste another 15 flushes (or more Lemon Pledge) on the little guys. Is this a battle worth fighting?
As I type this, though, I am reminded of today's date, (it's 1:24AM which officially makes it) July 4th. My country's 230th birthday. Over 200 years ago, our forefathers set forth to fight an impossible battle against tyranny, injustice, and the addition of silent "u"s to a lot of words. Victorious they emerged. Certainly, in light of my proud heritage, I can flush a few more bugs. Perhaps, for the next 22 and 1/2 hours, every time I flush or polish a bug I will say, "Just like the patriots did to the Redcoats!" I might also sing the national anthem and wait to flush until I sing the word "streaming".
Sadly enough, once 4 July ends, I doubt I will endure with the same resolve as my ancestors. In honor of this future failed battle, I would like to recall other famous (or infamous) failed battles where everything still worked out alright in the end.
Failed Battles
1. The little computer battle I'm experiencing right now. If it isn't bad enough that the wireless connection that my neighbor has been generously (and ignorantly) sharing with me rather peacefully for quite awhile has mysteriously disappeared, I'm also having issues logging into www.recoveringcrusaders.com - a website thatI highly recommend. Every time I got to the compose screen, my Internet window completely closed. Trust me, it's quite frustrating.
2. My coffee strike. That lasted every bit of 15 minutes. Real good job there, Andy.
3. The Alamo - okay, it didn't work out well for everyone, but in the long run, we still got Texas.
4. Waterloo - a failure from the French perspective at least.
5. Most recent French military campaigns. I'm not completely sure the word "most" is indeed necessary. But props to France for an outstanding soccer team! Allez les Bleus!
6. Brazil's soccer team. Allez les Bleus!
7. The Cincinnati Reds against every single team that I've personally watched them play at Great American Ballpark. Allez les Rouges!
8. Democratic presidential campaigns (Allez les Rouges!)
9. The plight of the 2 rolly-polys that I just flushed down the guest toilet (one of which was crawling on the floor by the guest toilet that I stumbled upon when I went to flush his compatriot). "Just like the patriots did to the Redcoats. Oh say can you see..."
10. Lastly and most importantly, Communism in Eastern Europe.
Good night and Happy Independence Day!
"Is Andy about to disclose some secret of his most intimate life?"
"Has Andy become a historian to encourage others in the faith?"
"Has Andy dedicated his life to coming alongside (hiya Crusade) others?"
Nothing so noble or...awkward, I'm afraid.
Actually, the title refers to the current battle against fellow living beings that seem to have taken residence in my townhouse.
I have one real rule about my townhouse. If you're in my house, and I didn't invite you, and you don't pay rent, I will kill you. (watch out JW's)
That might not technically be a rule, but it works for me nonetheless.
Those of you who sometimes show up unexpectedly at my apartment may be relieved to know that humans are NOT the intended victims of my rule. It's typically animals, particularly of the insect family.
Before you judge me as discriminating against insects, let me assure you that I don't dislike them all. I actually have friends that are insects. Well, I have a friend that's an insect - had a friend that was an insect. But I didn't kill him (or her). At least I don't think I did. I mean, if it came in my house, and I saw it, I probably did. I do not however believe that to be the case.
This insect and I had an interesting relationship. I called it Mr. Spider (I admit, I sexistly assumed it was a male). He lived between my porchlight and my doorway. We had an understanding. He set up shop by my door, and he never came in my house. In return, not only did I not kill him, but I let him continue to have prime real estate by my entryway. He got fat, and I lived relatively bug-free.
Alas, Mr. Spider is no more. He is indeed dead. His web is but a memory, and his prey now wanders about my dining room. Upon returning past midnight from Nate's bachelor party several weeks ago, I noticed several bugs (mainly rolly-polys, but also a couple of gross worm-like looking things) by my dining room wall. Lacking any defensive weapons, poison spray, and any energy that would be necessary in a mass extermination, I turned to the only thing in my arsenal that might do the trick without damaging my carpet - Lemon Pledge. I dusted those suckers to next Tuesday (and my entire downstairs smelled lemon fresh for a week)! The next day, I vacuumed in between the floor and the wall to remove their citrus-scented, streak-free, polished carcasses.
The good news is that I haven't seen any of the gross worm-like things since Operation Johnson & Johnson. The bad news is, the rolly-polys appear to be quite resilient. Last night, upon returning from a weekend with my parents, I sent around a dozen to a watery grave via the guest bathroom. I went to bed rather content with myself. This morning I got up and was happy to find a bug-free dining room.
Sigh, rolly-polys are nocturnal. As soon as the sun set here on Grisham Lane, they were back, and I don't want to waste another 15 flushes (or more Lemon Pledge) on the little guys. Is this a battle worth fighting?
As I type this, though, I am reminded of today's date, (it's 1:24AM which officially makes it) July 4th. My country's 230th birthday. Over 200 years ago, our forefathers set forth to fight an impossible battle against tyranny, injustice, and the addition of silent "u"s to a lot of words. Victorious they emerged. Certainly, in light of my proud heritage, I can flush a few more bugs. Perhaps, for the next 22 and 1/2 hours, every time I flush or polish a bug I will say, "Just like the patriots did to the Redcoats!" I might also sing the national anthem and wait to flush until I sing the word "streaming".
Sadly enough, once 4 July ends, I doubt I will endure with the same resolve as my ancestors. In honor of this future failed battle, I would like to recall other famous (or infamous) failed battles where everything still worked out alright in the end.
Failed Battles
1. The little computer battle I'm experiencing right now. If it isn't bad enough that the wireless connection that my neighbor has been generously (and ignorantly) sharing with me rather peacefully for quite awhile has mysteriously disappeared, I'm also having issues logging into www.recoveringcrusaders.com - a website thatI highly recommend. Every time I got to the compose screen, my Internet window completely closed. Trust me, it's quite frustrating.
2. My coffee strike. That lasted every bit of 15 minutes. Real good job there, Andy.
3. The Alamo - okay, it didn't work out well for everyone, but in the long run, we still got Texas.
4. Waterloo - a failure from the French perspective at least.
5. Most recent French military campaigns. I'm not completely sure the word "most" is indeed necessary. But props to France for an outstanding soccer team! Allez les Bleus!
6. Brazil's soccer team. Allez les Bleus!
7. The Cincinnati Reds against every single team that I've personally watched them play at Great American Ballpark. Allez les Rouges!
8. Democratic presidential campaigns (Allez les Rouges!)
9. The plight of the 2 rolly-polys that I just flushed down the guest toilet (one of which was crawling on the floor by the guest toilet that I stumbled upon when I went to flush his compatriot). "Just like the patriots did to the Redcoats. Oh say can you see..."
10. Lastly and most importantly, Communism in Eastern Europe.
Good night and Happy Independence Day!
posted by Andy at 1:05 AM
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